It's been a while

I haven't been updating this blog like I should. I have started another blog fairly recently and that has had my attention.

Last August my dad passed away because of cancer. It was and still remains a very painful thing for me. My relationship with my dad has been rocky for pretty much my entire life and much of that is due to my own stubbornness.

My mom and dad got divorced when I was somewhere around 5 years old and he became an alcoholic and drug addict. I rarely saw him or heard from him and I resented him for that. I was a young boy and I needed my dad.

There was a long period in my teens that I was headed down the same destructive path my dad took. I was drinking heavily and doing what ever drugs were available to me. When my mother had had enough of me, she sent me to my dad who by this time was clean and sober and attempting to be a part of my life and I fought it every step of the way. I was put on the airplane stinking drunk after a night of sneaking into a bar with a friend who's parents owned it, he had a key. When my flight landed, everyone had gotten off the plane except me. I was out cold and my dad had to come on board to get me.

This was not a trip I wanted to take and it wasn't a pleasant visit. My dad and I had it out pretty good and while I don't remember telling him that I hated him, my step mom said he took that to his grave thinking that I did. I thought all these years I had said I hated what he did, not that I hated him.

There were many times over my adult life that he attempted to make amends and because of my stubbornness, I didn't allow it to happen. I had been so focused on not being like he was that I failed to see that he had changed.

Sure, we talked on the phone a lot (not nearly enough now that he's gone) and I visited him occasionally and that was definitely not enough. When I saw him in his casket, I realized it had been about 3 years since the last time I saw him.

On that last visit, I feel like we had bonded the most. My grandfather, my dad, and me. We spent an entire day shooting and had a blast, it was good times.

I now carry that guilt of not being there when he needed me most and for not telling him I forgive him. I think he needed to hear those words from me more than anything else I could have said.

I will carry that guilt to my grave.

Here is a picture of that day. I had to photo shop him into the picture because it was just the 3 of us and while I have pictures of him and I, someone had to take the pics.

I love you dad, rest in peace.

In loving memory of 

James Ellis Carpenter III

August 3, 1952 - August 31, 2012